i looked out the window tonight and i realized that i hate the snow.
sure at first it's incredible and even peaceful, but once it's done and it starts to melt it creates all sorts of problems.
i looked out the window and i realized that i don't really like the freezing cold.
i love this city so much, but the weather has been bringing me down.. a lot.
i miss the sun and 60 degree days.
February is always the worse month, or so they say. but what if i'm still in this mindset for the remainder of the semester?
there are no highs right now, not even of the illegal kind. the consumption of alcohol has increased, but for what? massive headaches and nights i'll never remember? nah, right now none of that is worth it.

i'm going back to miami for spring break, i think i'll decide there whether or not i'll go to LA and visit Jill. I'd love to, but for some reason all i want to do is hang out with my mom. she's a fantastic human being, she's not perfect, but after being away from here, i've figured out that this woman is more amazing than i thought. my dad isn't too bad either, i think that i lucked out with my parents. they fully support me and at times don't even question my decisions. then again, they aren't here to question them either.

i think it all goes back to the notion that there is definitely something missing.
the missing piece that makes everything work better, efficiently.
i look around and that piece isn't for me to find yet.
so i guess, i'll just wait for it to come to me and find me.

but there are things to look forward to such as:
- miami weather
- possibly so. cal/la weather
- jen rod's visit :D
- more 21st birthdays
- RADIOHEAD in may :)

so for now i shall concentrate on the good things,
enough with the bad stuff.
because there's always light at the end of the tunnel (i think that i should listen to my own damn advice)

deep down, i'm still that awkward girl.
and i don't know how to change it.



and if you ever read this, fuck you.

my dad just put a lot things in perspective for me.

i cannot finish this damn paper.
i'm feeling bad about next semester.
with carolyn and jill leaving to go to florence and LA... sure i left last year, but at least they still had each other and merce, she might not come back after all.
i have a feeling that next semester will be very lonely and sad without my best friends around.
i've learned that those girls are my rock, they understand me, we have our laughs and they know about the things i was afraid to tell others.
sure, morgan and even patty will be around, but things are different with them, they don't go to simmons, they don't understand.
that place has a mind of its own, i can't even begin to comprehend it.
so i guess, all is left up in the air, i'm just feeling sad right now because i'm realizing a lot of things.
i wish some things were very different, but they obviously aren't
fuck, i only use this thing to let out my frustrations since there are times when i can't even begin to understand my own thoughts, reactions and emotions.
i'm fucked up.
but i already knew that.
yet, at the end of the day, i learn to love myself even more and more, because there's always room for improvement and i just need a win over here.
happiness
love
more happiness.



pero ya dejate de jugar conmigo asi...

it's damn cold out
there's ice everywhere.
sometimes i wonder why i live and go to school in the frozen tundra of new england.
but then again this a welcoming departure from the unseasonably warmer weather we had in october.

i need to finish this paper and then my stress will be lifted until i have to start studying for finals, but for the first time, i only have 2 finals and they won't be strenuous, but that paper for polisci of newly industrialized countries will be... mind you it hasn't even assigned.
that damn class better not bring down my GPA, i've worked really hard this semester.

and in other news, it's december (finally!), my birthday is in 17 days! hooray for 21!! :D
finally,
some things have changed, that damn complication is now a thing of the past ... complications are never good, and i'm aware of that, but you know how sometimes, you want certain things that you shouldn't have? yes, that was my problem.
but for now and probably for a long time, this complication is gone.
onto another one, like i said.

"dejame que te hable tambien con tu silencio..."

i finally cracked.
i'm done
i give up.

let's move on to the next complication.

something's missing or is out of place.
i feel like the semester has flown by, scary huh? i don't know how i feel about that... in the last 2 weeks i have before it's all over, i have a major paper and presentation that i don't really care about and i really should, since it's probably my ENTIRE grade for the semester.
i'll probably have another paper for abuza's class (newly industrialized nations), which will most likely be about the racial complexities of malaysia
2 final exams which i'm sure i won't struggle with
and then i'm done...
but besides my scholastic life, my personal life is ... there aren't words to describe it.
i have no life outside school, sure i party, drink, laugh with my friends and have amazingly hilarious times, but there's something missing.
i wish there was something that i could look forward to and continue to work hard for it and in the end attain that, but there is no such thing.
i'm just here by myself.
this semester has been crazy
just when i think my life is just going to be calm, something always comes up that complicated that.... and for the first time in a long time, i welcomed that complication with open arms, like the idiot that i am.
why should i allow myself to welcome this complication?
why should i even allow this complication?
seriously, i don't know, i can't even behind to understand it.
so here i am, wanting things to happen and nothing is happening.
life just keeps rolling by and i feel that sometimes i'm stagnant, that i'm just waiting for something to pick me up and show me the way, but that isn't going to happen, because i have to show myself the right path for myself.
at this point, life in general is bothering me,
i've come to a point where i'm uncertain about my immediate future and i'm sorry, but I CANNOT allow myself to do that.
a year from now, i'll be finishing my first semester of senior year.... maybe i'm worrying to early on in the game, but that's what i do.

ok i'm done ranting

the new kylie minogue cd "X" is ridiculously amazing.
great dance pop music,
if you want to listen to really good, well produced, not britney spears pop music, then i HIGHLY suggest you listen to kylie, i'm not lying!
DO IT!

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrasing it is.

Number of songs: 3550

Sort by song title
First Song: A0001 - Thursday
Last Song: /=/=/ - Andrew Bird

Sort by time
Shortest Song: 0:10 Horn Intro - Modest Mouse
Longest Song: 2:00 Essential Mix - Diplo

Sort by album
First Album: Abbey Road - The Beatles
Last Album: † - Justice

Top Five Most Played Songs:
Rootless Tree - Damien Rice
Leisure Suite - Feist
Reckoner - Radiohead
Song for Clay (disappear here) - Bloc Party
Corner Store - Brazilian Girls

First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Subway Train/Munich Air Disaster" - Morrissey
Next... "Agoraphobia" - Incubus

Search ....
"sex", how many songs come up? 32
"death", how many songs come up? 73
"love", how many songs come up? 180
"you", how many songs come up? 479

slowly but surely, i'm losing it
and
sometimes the things i've done really don't matter much.

i'm once again stagnant.
i hate that.
here's to a good weekend,
i really can only hope